When an Orphan Becomes a Mother

When an orphan becomes a mother

I cried. I cried when I heard her cry for the very first time when she finally came out of my body. My daughter was born, and a whole new wave of emotions, emotions I never knew existed, filled my heart and soul. In that moment, I asked myself : “What happens when an orphan becomes a mother?”…

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At some point of my life, after loosing my parents, I told myself that bringing a child into this world would make me feel better about being orphan. For the longest time I believed that birthing a child would fill the void of not having my father and mother. However, shortly after my husband and I found out that we were expecting our first child, I realised that I couldn’t expect her to be my “saviour”. It was unfair on her and on myself. So instead of filling a void, finding out I was pregnant brought on a spaghetti junction of emotions – on the one hand I was beyond happy (happiness is an understatement) and yet on the other hand I was saddened that I would never see my parents hold their grandchild in their arms.

stella mpisi pregnancy 2

I had a wonderful pregnancy, but there were times when I couldn’t help but cry because I desperately needed my mother. The advice I got from the women around me sometimes meant nothing to me – I yearned for my mother’s presence. I found myself thinking about all the things she missed out on teaching me. I didn’t want to feel that way, but being pregnant made the void of not having my parents around, particularly my mother, seem bigger than before. So I struggled; I struggled with emotional ups and downs.

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When I finally gave birth to my beautiful daughter last month (October 2018), I was overjoyed. She did not fill the void, but she did something even better – she unlocked a part of my heart I didn’t know I had. The love I have for her supersedes the pain I have of loosing my parents. I know that I may never fully heal from the loosing my parents, but giving birth to my daughter has certainly made me see the world through different eyes. The birth of my daughter doesn’t make me any less of an orphan. It isn’t her responsibility to take that “title” away. Instead, her birth has brought a new reality into my life which is the beauty of motherhood. I never knew my shattered heart would ever be able to love like this; but I do.

So what happens when an orphan becomes a mother? She simply becomes a mother…

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