Have You Seen My Childhood?

Have you seen my childhood

Have you seen my Childhood? I’m searching for the world that I come from. ‘Cause I’ve been looking around in the lost and found of my heart…

Michael Jackson starts his song “Childhood” with these words; a song I deeply connect with. I may not know exactly what he meant or how he felt when he sang this song, but I know how it makes me feel about my own life.

When my parents were killed in a car accident, it was as though my childhood had died with them. My hopes and dreams; my smiles and laughter; my jokes and playful spirit… The child in me died that day, leaving behind only a shadow to remind me of the little girl I once was. The world seemed grey and the walls of innocence that once protected me came crumbling down, leaving me naked and afraid.

I remember life before the accident as if it were yesterday. My parents made sure that they were there for my sisters and I despite their busy schedules…

I remember my mother – her beautiful big smile and her pensive facial expressions. I remember staring at her in awe as I tried to walk like she did. I remember her elegance and her laugh. I remember the way she would line us up behind her and teach us how to “walk like ladies”. I remember my father waking us up early one morning to watch my mother’s live interview on the news…

I remember my father – his tiny eyes and pleasant laugh. I remember his love for “Tom and Jerry” and I remember him singing along to Carlyto Lassa’s song “Makolo Ya Massiya“. I remember that each and every day he ate fufu for dinner. We’d all laugh at him and he didn’t care. I remember the fact that he loved having a camera to take photographs and shoot home videos of us every chance he could…

I remember my childhood; my real childhood. I remember life before the abuse, the hunger and the pain. I remember being an athlete and poet at school. I remember getting my first dog. I remember sitting at my mother’s feet as she combed my hair. I remember being taken care of and being loved unconditionally. I remember my real smile…

I still reminisce about my childhood; and although the memories make me smile, my broken smile is quickly followed by tears. It feels as though a part of me no longer exists. I can no longer find the sparkle I once had in my eyes and my smile is a reflection of the scares of my shattered heart. Although my life is much better than it was a few years ago, I guess there will always been a gaping hole in my heart; the hole left by my childhood when it died with my parents when I was ten years old…

…Before you judge me, try hard to love me. The painful youth I’ve had. Have you seen my Childhood…

have you seen my childhood - Stella Mpisi

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5 Comments

  1. Although this was difficult for me to get through, it was beautifully written. Thank you for sharing your experiences Stella. I can relate to a degree, but losing both parents at such a young age I can not imagine. Expressing our feelings of loss, shows maturity and strength.

    1. Hey Dawn. Reading your comments always warms my heart. Thank you for taking the time and for sharing your feelings too. It feels good to write, but it feels even better to find people who I an relate to. You are truly a breath of fresh air

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