Confessions of an Orphan : Trust Issues (Part 1)

Trust Issues - Part 1

Trust issues. Real, deep and uncontrollable trust issues. That is a scar I bare from my childhood – not from my parent’s passing on, but from the way I was treated by the people I thought loved me. I don’t think I have ever spoken about this in any of my publications, and today that is about to change. I’d like to share a very personal struggle with you because I believe that someone out there can benefit from it. Here goes…

Imagine being ten years old and finding out the two people you knew you could always rely on have suddenly both died? Imagine feeling scared, confused and uncertain of the future. Back then, although I didn’t fully understand and couldn’t put my feelings into words, I needed people who I could trust and who would love me unconditionally. That wouldn’t have filled the gaping hole which had invaded my life without warning, but it would have made it bearable. Instead, the people I thought “had my back”, quickly turned against me. The pain of losing my parents was suddenly overshadowed by the fear of having no one to run to.

Aside from abuse and hunger, my teenage years were characterized by insecurity, loneliness, fear and confusion. The people I had once felt would love me and keep me safe after my parents died were the same people who hated and abused me. I was confused and with time I lost all trust in humanity. I didn’t understand what I had done to be accused of my parents’ death; I didn’t get how my own flesh and blood could find joy in watching me bleed and starve; I didn’t comprehend how human beings could be so cruel.

Today I’d like to confess that that feeling of distrust and loneliness has followed me into my adult years. I unknowingly avoid forming any new friendships with people. I guess deep down I am scared of being betrayed all over again. I am scared that if I trust people, they will turn their backs against me. Someone very close to me once told me that I can come off as cold and distant sometimes – I get it. I don’t do it on purpose. I guess I am just so scared of feeling like I belong only to feel left out and alone like I did as a child.

To be continued…

Stella Mpisi trust issues 1

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